Today, I kneeled down to my mother after I was back home. I have many words that I am not able to speak out.
Since I began to learn Buddha-dharma, I have been thinking about kneeling down to my mother to express my gratitude to her for giving birth to and raising me. I also want to repent to her what I did wrong during these years. But I did not have the courage to do so. Actually, the real reason was that I did not truly recognize my mistakes.
To tell the truth, I had a lot of dissatisfaction toward my mother.
Since I got married, my mother pushed my younger brother to me as my responsibility. The brother was not admitted by a university after graduating from high school. He was sent to me and I had to make arrangement for him to study in a hospital. It was good that the brother lived up to our expectation and passed the examination for adult-education to be admitted to the medical school of Suzhou University. He attended the school full-time for five years. I paid for all his living expenses during this period. After graduation, he did not look for a job and chose to take the examination for graduate study instead. During the first year, he was not admitted due to his English score. Mother began to complain that I did not help my brother to find a job. Although I did not say much verbally, I felt mistreated.
Next year, my brother passed the examination to be admitted to the graduate school of Xuzhou Medical University and then spent three years in the graduate study. That basically costed everything our family had. Mother was always complaining that the brother spent a lot of money and thought about that he should get married at his age. She was always hoping him to get married and have a child. I was rather angry at the time and had a verbal argument with my mother. I could not understand why my mother was so selfish and only saw the near-term benefits. She did not see the value of the opportunity of learning that we obtained after a lot of hard work and effect. I felt mistreated.
Being urged by my mother all the time, my brother got married during the third year of his graduate study before graduation. He did not have a job and I had to pay for his expenses. My mother was again complaining about our family’s financial situation. After graduation, my brother was working at the tumor department of No. 3 Hospital of Xuzhou City. Since he could not afford to rent, he lived at my home. I felt that I had given so much without getting any kind words from my mother. I felt mistreated.
Later, within the first six months after my brother started working, he suffered a sudden brain hemorrhage while on the job. He was hospitalized for 35 days. I had to run between home and the hospital every day. My mother could not provide any help and was only sad. I had to console my mother after returning from the hospital every day. Actually, my heart was tormented every day. For anything that I did not do to her full satisfaction, my mother would give rise to anxiety. I felt mistreated.
Last year, my father got ill and was diagnosed to have a terminal-stage stomach cancer. When I saw my weak father on the sick bed, I regretted that I did not go to my parents’ home often enough to see them and give them enough care. I was also a little bitter to my mother for not taking good care of my father. After leaving the hospital, I took my father to my home to care for him. My mother was still complaining all day long, saying that my father did not listen to her and worked all the time. My father kept silent and did not say anything. Seeing the situation, I felt bad.
My father was a very kind person. He was not good at talking and received a lot of sufferings and mistreatment in his life. He supported me and my brother while we attended colleges. After my father left, I regretted very much that I did not fulfill my filial duty well. I always thought that my parents would have a long time to live and I could do that when I have time and my situation improves. Only after I began to learn the true dharma of the Tathagata and listen to the recorded dharma discourses expounded by H.H. Dorje Chang Buddha III, did I know that impermanence is with us all the time and there is no time for me to wait.
At the moment of kneeling down before my mother, I realized that my parents’ kindness of giving birth to me and raising me is as great as the sky. Had not my parents bring me to this world, how could I have the opportunity to learn Buddha-dharma and cultivate myself earnestly? I now understand that everything is due to causality. I have no reason to feel being mistreated. While my parents are still in the world, I should introduce and guide them to learn Buddha-dharma and understand the truth of karmic retribution, so that they can accumulate good karma and stay far away from malicious karma.
My mother is currently not in good health. She still has dissatisfaction toward me every day. She says that the food I cook is not very tasteful, I restrict her, I want her to take nutritional supplements every day, and I remind her every day to chant the Buddha’s name. Had this occurred in the past, I would certainly feel being mistreated. However, now I feel this is a way of my mother communicating with me. I do not feel mistreatment and have no bitterness in mind.
I am grateful that my mother gave me an opportunity to fulfill my filial duty and repent myself. I tell myself, “Let go of all feeling of mistreatment and dissatisfaction. Do not be attached to some small matters. Do not let the mind turn after external states. Cultivate earnestly.”
August 6, 2018
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